Why Students Need You to Say "No" to Lessons

The High Value Music Studio, Part 4

We live in a child-centric culture. This, like almost everything else, has its positive and negative points.

Positive: Many children in our culture get the attention, nurturing, and resources they need to develop into well-adjusted adults.

Negative: Because we cherish children, we can hold misguided ideas about how to best serve them, confusing indulgence with caring.

As teachers, we pride ourselves on valuing each and every student. We think it's our job to accept each student with open arms and nurture them through our teaching.

As a result, being selective in who we accept into our studio feels equivalent to rejecting the child themselves. We equate accepting a student with valuing them as an individual, and not accepting them as a student as a sign of rejection.

I would like to state in no uncertain terms that this is a false equivalency.

Valuing every student does not mean that you should teach every student.

In fact, accepting a student you know is not a good fit for your instructional style or studio offerings is a disservice to them and to you. With the best of intentions, you’re accidentally setting everyone on a path of frustration and failure. 

The truth is, no teacher is the right fit for every student. The sooner we understand this and steer students we don't feel we can serve well towards a teacher they’re more likely to connect with, the better off everyone will be. 

Trying to teach a student who doesn’t really want what you offer - whether that be your teaching style, instructional methods, or practice and attendance policies - creates an atmosphere of tension right from the get-go.

You set up a dynamic in which you are continually trying to get the student/parent to buy into your way of doing things while they are constantly tugging you in the opposite direction.

They may ask you to make scheduling or payment compromises you’re uncomfortable with, or express regular dissatisfaction with your teaching approach. This underlying tension creates an atmosphere of disharmony that is adverse to a successful teaching and learning experience.

Teaching students you don't connect with is a disservice to the student themselves as well as a drain on your time and resources.

In other posts, I've told the story of the student I call "Brett". To recap briefly, "Brett" was the worst possible fit for my studio, and this was apparent very early on in our relationship. Brett was never going to want to learn what I had to teach or value how I taught it.

I did Brett no favors by keeping him as a student. He was frustrated and unhappy. It didn't matter that I strongly felt my approach was better. It didn't matter that I was a trained professional with knowledge and perspective he didn't have.

What I offered wasn't what he wanted, period. He wasn't going to come around to my way of thinking and it took six exhausting, frustrating months before I found the courage to end the lessons.

I have no idea if Brett went on to find another teacher whose approach was more to his liking. I do know that I did him a favor by ending the lessons, and would have done him an even bigger favor if I had ended the lessons sooner.

Having heard I was an excellent teacher, the parents weren't willing to end the lessons themselves. Instead, they kept trying to get me to teach the way Brett wanted to learn - with no structure, guidance, or accountability.

The truth is, parents and students won’t know if they’re a good fit for you or you for them: they simply don't have the experience needed to make this determination. They depend on you to steer them in the right direction.

They may want lessons from you because you're sought-after, because their kid's friend takes lessons with you, or because you're conveniently located and your fees are reasonable.

None of this matters if you know in your gut that they aren't going to be a good fit.

My advice is trust your yourself, and be prepared for push-back.

If you think a student is not a good fit for you (preferably after one or more introductory lessons), explain this as diplomatically as you can and recommend another teacher.

If the parent still insists that they want to be in your studio, take this as the compliment it is as well as a reflection of their desire to do what they think is best for their kid.

And continue to stick to your guns and steer them elsewhere.

Ultimately, you are the best person to determine whether or not you can give their child the musical experience they want and need. Even if they don't know it.

In closing, here's a recap:

• As a professional teacher having worked with many different types of students, it’s your responsibility to discern which students are a good fit for you and which are not.

• Declining to accept a student who isn’t a good fit for your studio does not make you a bad or uncaring teacher. It makes you perceptive, discerning, and thoughtful.

• When you steer a student who isn’t a good match towards another studio that might suit them better, you are doing them a tremendous favor (even if they don't realize it).

Want to know my process for finding and keeping ideal students? Learn more here.