Master Tough Talks with Parents: Five Scripts for Hard Conversations

Ugh....it's time to have one of those conversations again.

You know the ones....the conversation with the student who never practices or always cancels. The conversation with the parent who complains about your fees or make-up policies.

These conversations can be difficult to navigate. You need to be clear and honest, but do so in such a way that you can (hopefully) avoid offending them or making the situation worse.

How do you strike the right balance in these difficult conversations? In my experience, it helps to have written scripts for hard conversations. Here are five scripts to help you address some of the most common student and parent issues and master tough talks with parents.

Issue #1: The student who never practices

The situation:

You've tried for months in lessons to inspire this student to practice at home and are out of patience and strategies. It's time to have a heart-to-heart with the parent and engage them in the establishment of a regular practice routine.

The goal:

• clearly state that irregular (or, God forbid, no) practice is unacceptable

• present a variety of solutions to fix the problem

• provide a deadline by which time a steady practice routine must be in place if lessons are to continue

The script: If you haven't already, it's important to engage parents in the effort of trying to establish a regular practice routine for their child by giving them specific, concrete actions they can take. This script helps you do that, while establishing limits and expectations for the future.

"Over the past [number of months] I've been trying to help [student name] establish a steady practice routine. Regular practice is so important because it establishes the skills we work on in lessons and ensures that the student makes progress. Over the past months, I have tried [strategies you have tried] to help them establish a practice routine, but they are still not practicing regularly. At this point, home intervention is needed. Are you willing to help establish a practice routine at home? [If they say 'no', well...it's been real]. I have several great strategies you can use [get my practice strategies here if you need some ideas]; let's pick one or two and agree that you will try these at home. To be clear, a regular practice routine needs to be established by [date] or we will regretfully need to end the lessons. I would love to continue lessons with [student], but in order to continue, I need to see through their practice that they are as dedicated to learning as I am to teaching."

Issue #2: The parent who complains about your cancellation policies

The situation:

If you have good cancellation policies in place (in other words, if your cancellation policies reflect your teaching values and protect you from constant rescheduling) you will hear about it - unhappily, and possibly loudly - from parents who just don't want to be held accountable in this way.

The goal:

• acknowledge their frustration without agreeing with it

• explain why the policies exist and clarify that they apply to all students

• explain extenuating circumstances under which you might consider a make-up exception and explain specifically what that exception would entail.

The script: I know that teachers have varied lesson policies and a one-size-fits-all script isn't possible. I've written this script as if 1) you have written policies that you share with parents before lessons start; 2) you set limits on make-up lessons offered for each student within a school year; and 3) you are willing to consider exceptions in extenuating circumstances. Take from it what works for you and adjust appropriately.

"I understand you are frustrated with the cancellation policies. We're all so busy these days that juggling multiple activities can be difficult. Private lessons is one of those activities that requires regular lesson attendance for progress to be made and your investment to be worthwhile. You might recall my policy on make-up lessons that I shared with you before lessons began. Because I have [number of students you teach], I must impose limits on make-up opportunities for each student so I can give everyone the flexibility the need from time to time without disrupting regular lessons. In extenuating circumstances such [insert circumstances that you consider extenuating] I will consider offering an additional make-up opportunity or two. Are there extenuating circumstances I need to be aware of? However, this accommodation will not be able to fix [perpetual scheduling problem/continuous transportation issue/etc.]. If you feel that my policies are no longer a good match for your lesson needs, we will regretfully need to part ways. I can recommend [names of other instructors] for you to contact."

Issue #3: The student who always cancels

The situation:

Hopefully, you have policies in place that protect you from regularly losing income due to frequent cancellations. But even if this is case (and especially if it isn't), you need to prevent the build up of frustration resentment from setting aside valuable time each week for the student who can't or won't demonstrate the dedication you do.

The goal:

• provide hard data regarding the cancellation problem

• make it clear that this many missed lessons is not acceptable

• set clear expectations for the future and clear consequences if the expectations aren't met

The script: I know that telling a parent and student that you'll need to show them the door unless certain conditions are met is very difficult. I only got better at it because the alternative was worse: being put in a situation of mounting frustration and resentment because I was stuck with a student whose actions disrespected my time and commitment. Trust me, it's worth the hard conversation. Here's a script to make it easier.

"I wanted to talk to you about [student]'s lesson attendance. Unfortunately, I've noticed that they have missed [# of lessons missed] out of [number of instruction weeks]. This is too many missed lessons to make any measurable progress or justify giving them a weekly lesson time slot when I have others on my wait list. Perhaps now is not a good time for lessons because [their schedule is too busy/there's too much going on for you/there are more pressing concerns right now/etc.] If this is the case, you may wish to take an extended break and resume lessons once things settle down. To continue lessons with me at this time, [student] will need to attend regularly from now on. If more than [# of lessons] is/are missed by [date], I will regretfully have to give their lesson spot to someone else. If you feel that this expectation does not make my studio a good fit for your child, I would be happy to give you the names of other teachers who might have different policies that better align with your needs."

Issue #4: The parent who complains about your rates

The issue:

I truly hope you are charging an hourly lesson rate that reflects what your skills, patience, and time are worth. (Sadly, I find that many teachers under-charge....but more on this later). Unfortunately, whether you are charging bargain rates or top tier prices you will always get some complaints about your rates.

The goal:

• make it clear what the parent is getting for the rate

• point them to different payment options or any discounted pre-payment plan you offer (if applicable)

• make it clear that your fee is non-negotiable you are willing to stop lessons if it's not acceptable to them

The script: Because what each teacher offers is unique, this script needs some thoughtful information that only you can provide. You want to convey to the parent that your fee is worth it and why, so be sure to have lots of talking points about what makes lessons in your studio so awesome. Parents often forget everything we do for their child over the course of the year; this is your chance to remind them.

"I understand you're unhappy with my lesson fee. I want to point out that the fee was carefully set, and reflects my [degree in music performance/25 years of teaching experience/special skills, etc.] I also offer [multiple performance opportunities/ unique instruction approach/specialized studio equipment or programs, etc.]. My rates are competitive given the well-rounded musical experience I offer your child each week and throughout the year. I would like to remind you that I do offer [pre-payment discount for multiple months paid at once, if applicable]. I also accept multiple forms of payment, including [whatever you accept]. Because it takes time and money to provide the [unique tools/personalized lesson plans/studio equipment, etc.], my rates are unfortunately non-negotiable. If these rates are no longer feasible for you, of if you feel that what I offer is no longer worth it, I understand. I'm afraid we'll need to stop the lessons, but I'm happy to give you the names of other music instructors..."

Issue #5: the student who just needs to stop lessons (at least, with you...)

The situation:

That's it, you're done. You simply cannot teach this student any longer. For whatever reason (lack of practice/engagement/regular attendance/pick a thing....) it's time for your professional relationship to come to a close. And if you feel uncomfortable referring your "problem" to another teacher, don't - every teacher is different and some might have success where you were unable to.

The goal:

• make it clear that there are intractable problems that you cannot fix

• explain the actions you've taken to try to correct the problems

• make it clear that lessons with you are no longer an option, but refer them elsewhere

The script:

"I've noticed [child's name] has difficulty with [intractable problem]. I've tried helping with this by [list the various ways you've addressed the issue], and we've been working on it for [length of time you've been trying to fix the problem]. Unfortunately, I'm seeing little change and the problem continues. For lessons to be successful, it's very important that the student [practice/attend regular lessons/etc.] because [list a few good reasons]. Despite my best efforts, I have not been able to bring about this change. Sadly, I'm forced to conclude that I'm the right teacher for your student. It's possible that a break from lessons would be beneficial to allow [their schedule to calm down/some further maturity/etc.] However, if you would still like to continue lessons at this time, I suggest you contact [name of alternate music teachers accepting students.] Thank you for entrusting me with your child's musical education thus far. I wish them the best in their future musical activities!"

I hope this blog makes your job just a little easier and gives you the guidance necessary to master those tough talks with parents. At the end of the day, we want pleasant and productive relationships with the parents and students we work with; these scripts can help get you there.

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